Non-Anxious Leadership and Parenting
Probably the best leadership book I’ve ever read is Edwin Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. I’m not necessarily recommending it as it’s not the easiest read (if you’re interested, here is a brief book review and a midsize review). But what Friedman suggested nearly 20 years ago (and he’s right) is that we live in an age of anxiety. And this anxious air that we breathe plays out in our families, organizations, and cultures.
I believe that the primary reason that today’s children and young adults are anxious is that their parents, teachers, leaders and communities are projecting our own unresolved anxiety that they are therefore absorbing. Now, it’s certainly not a failure on our part when we feel anxious or afraid…of course we are prone to feeling anxious in these challenging times! But the problem is that we can easily neglect the needed interior work to navigate our anxiety for the sake of those around us, much less for ourselves.
I’m therefore more convinced than ever that the first and most important task of parents and leaders is to be a non-anxious presence that comes from relentlessly cultivating as non-anxious of an interior life as possible within ourselves. A parent’s/leader’s job is first of all emotional, I would even say spiritual. And this necessary interior work is certainly not for the faint of heart.
Without having to read either of the reviews above, I want to share the best 3 principles of parenting and leadership that I’ve stolen from Friedman, seared into my memory, and come back to time and time again. Seriously, memorize the following, print these off and put them somewhere for you to review every 6 months. The best parents and leaders (especially at AC!) that I know:
1. Stay calm — Instead of succumbing to reactivity, attend to the practices that help you to exhibit a non-anxious presence for those around you. How are you physically taking care of yourself? Is your house ‘in order’? How are you simplifying and curating your lifestyle, media, environment, and relationships that are not healthy or helpful? What is your self-care that you practice without compromise? What is your meditation/prayer/silence practice? If you know you need therapy, do it. Don’t wait. If you need to talk vulnerably and honestly but in a judgment-free space, please call me. Again, this is not a quick fix, but know that it is very possible to attend to our own well-being in order to be the needed, non-anxious presence for those that depend on us.
2. Stay connected — Especially in the challenging seasons of conflict or change, good parents and leaders find ways to continue to initiate and engage those in their circle of influence. Even when your kid doesn’t like you right now. Even when your team or your people don’t necessarily agree with you. My favorite quote from The Godfather: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” When times are tough, it’s even more important to be with your people, listen to them without getting defensive (#1 above!), and share how much you value them.
3. Take a stand — When it’s needed and is time, as best you can, try to make an informed, healthy, principled decision. Then, expect resistance, don’t be surprised. We humans naturally take the path of least resistance, and health and growth are quite the opposite, they’re hard! And when you have to navigate the playing out and even fallout of a parenting or leadership decision, go right back to practicing #1 and #2 above like crazy!
Say it with me — Stay calm. Stay connected. Take a stand.
May you be well, and may you do good.
Your cheerleader and chaplain,
Adam
Blog written by Adam Gray
